there’s a bunch of people who constantly try talking to me and even try to make plans, but yet i never acknowledge it. i’ve been unintentionally pushing people away for so long but now that i’m aware of it, i’m still not doing anything to stop it. i realized i don’t deserve much good in my life. i’m happy with the world i live in, but i’m kind of over it. does that make sense? i’m just so physically drained that i’d be so content with dying in the most painful way. i don’t even wear my seatbelt in the car anymore but for some odd reason, it’s not enough to be dead. i just wish someone would fucking kill me because i can’t do it on my own. i don’t want to be remembered as the girl who committed suicide. that’s not me. i’m just so mentally fucked beyond repair. i don’t need help, because i’m happy. i just want out. i know people care but i can’t help but feel lonely. i can’t help but constantly apologize to everyone because i feel like such an annoying psychopath. i’m so lightheaded and i’m walking around town aimlessly. i can’t help but wonder why people even associate with me. i’m such an embarrassment half the time. i don’t know why i thought ‘s’ could even like me because she was on the phone with me before when my mom hit me and threw me out of the house by my hair. my mom also threw my laptop and its charger in the street. no way i’m ever getting a new one, i guess. i’m embarrassed and oh god i’ll keep saying it over and over again so that everyone will just stay away. i’m so hurt and all i know how to do is hurt other people. i cry so hard to the point where i want to puke out all of my internal organs. i want to slaughter myself. this is the first night i’m trying to cope without getting drunk.